Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Tales from the Dealer's Side...

I've been playing very little over the past few weeks. After the massive down swing I had in June the last thing I want to do is add more debt to the ever decreasing bankroll... I'm not that degenerate! (Well I hope not...)

Resolution: Poker Dealing.

Just what the big man ordered to lift me 'back to black' and rebuild the bankroll! Pros: you get the low-down on future opponents style before you've played them; you are getting a 'free lesson' watching the players play (only if the standard is good of course); you are still part of the action and atmosphere that poker derives for free without the adrenaline from playing a bluff brings. Cons: Its regarded as a 'mugs job'; mentally tiring; open to all sorts of abuse or criticism; sitting for hours on double stacked chairs with toes barely touching the floor (well I'm only only 5'3"!) is a pain in the hamstrings! But to nothing to stop me from reporting about it... Without mentioning any names of course!

Never mind the fish, the sharks or the bluffers: meet the predator; the gruffado; the joker; the 'Lucky Charm'; the drunk; the Duchess; silent bots and the iPod Shakers.

The 'Gruffado' is one to watch out for... he will undermine the dealer big time, pounces on every single mistake you make. He's got no patience for new or unskilled dealers on the table, huffing and sighing if they are any slower at shuffling/dealing than the 'Las-Vegas-level trained skilled' dealers he's expecting you to be. A chip missing; change not given; a forgotten card dealt; showing a card accidentally; not shuffling enough; not catching on when another player breaks the rules with string-bets, under-raises or act out of turn... will all bring down the wrath of the Gruffado on your head. I've seen many a dealer reduced to a nervous-wreck or tears at their hands. They will practically all but take over from the dealer, double-counting the chips when you have just done it, giving other players back their change and pointing to where you 'put the next card HERE!' They think they are being helpful but they are not! If you dare challenge his 'string bet' and call the TD over to help - watch as the TD looks at the player without waiting for an explanation of the situation and throw the dealer a look just to say 'let him have it this time'. Having such a player on my table will make me nervous, and when I'm nervous I make more mistakes... As dealers relieve each other, watch carefully next time, you'll catch one doing a subtle nod towards the Gruffado and a knowing look that translates 'Ah ha! Oh ho! Watch that Gruffado!'

The 'Predator' thinks he's god's gift to women. He makes lewd and suggestive comments mainly directed at various women in the room: the girl who serves the drinks, dolls out the cash, the female TD, and female dealers of course. Grabs every opportunity to rub my back, massaging my neck or stroking my hair as I deal... "I luve this gal" he declares to the table... "Careful now, your wife might hear" I retorted noticing the gold band; "aw don't worry love, she's tucked up in bed since 9 O'Clock, what goes down on me in this room stays in this room... he! He!" with a sly wink; "Have ya got a boyfriend love?" asked another player, "I'm her boyfriend! Aren't I?" roared Predator, "He wishes!!! He couldn't afford me!" I insta-replied. "Ah Shure I can, me lovely, when I win this game roight! Haw Haw!" As I get relieved by another dealer, the Predator usually gets up to insists on a hug, "giz a proper bunch of skin-on-skin babe!" while grabbing the opportunity to cop a feel and enjoys every stinging slap he gets in return.

The 'Lucky Charm' is the player with all the charms, who suddenly attaches his entire game luck to you. One night I sat down to deal, this guy had a short-stack then proceeded to double up, again and again. Whenever I was replaced or he got moved to another table, his luck "changed"... til I returned to the table 'of course'. Once of these feckers kept insisting on giving me a bear hug across the table with kisses on both cheeks for good measure every time he won a pot(!) These are the players who ask you to 'blow' on their coin before they flip to make a decision... who insist on having you back to deal "PLEASE come back here after yer break miss.... You hear me? Yeah, okay?!" When acting on a pivot hand, he will look to me for 'guidance' then proceeds to tell the entire table that my expression had 'warned' him not to call(!) Putting me in danger of 'collusion' rant from the Gruffado!

There is nothing more distracting than the 'iPod Shakers'. These players actually sway or rock to the rhythm in their seats, strum air guitars, drum their chips or fingers on the side of the table to the beat. It's so easy to 'guess' what kind of music they are listening to as well. When it's their go, forget about motioning to me for the clock, they will 'wait' until the song is finished before making a decision to call or not anyway! The worse offenders are the ones whose iPods are turned up so loud that even I can feel the music across the felt... with no regards for protecting their own hearing - I can tell these are my future clients, ones I will be evaluating for noise-induced hearing loss in 10 years time.

The sun-glasses clad 'Silent Bots' are simply unfathomable! Their heads never seem to move apart from the hands to pick up their cards... They never make a sound... they don't even breathe... when its their go, they remain so still for so.... long... then... they... act. You can even time your watch to the very second even. No amount of urging will make them call any faster. I have this inexpressible urge to run over, check if they have a pause, or lift those glasses and to see if their eyes glow red as in the 'terminator' but I'm afraid if I even touch them they will fall over or explode so I digress. No matter where they sit they always seem to be staring right at you... I've no idea if they know what cards they actually have! Getting any tells pre, during or after is nil impossible - Silent Bots only have the same dead almost 'moronic' expression for the entire game. If I was playing they will put me on total tilt trying to push them off the table never mind the pot!

While the 'Duchess' is seen as the token female player. Beware, she's not just 'any' female player... she THE female player in the killer heels, make-up, polished talons and coffered hair. She sits on the table with an automatic TAG label and a handbag to match. She commands the respect of the male players on the table, no bull$hitting, dirty jokes or swearing here or her death stare will turn you straight to jelly. She has the skill to sniff out a bluff and has the ability to out-manoeuvre weaker males e.g. forever moving all-in against men like the predator who will almost never call her (cos it will hurt their ego too much if they got shown up by a woman!) Her bling is so blinding it puts people on tilt. She makes the dealers feel very, very inferior especially if they are female: "That black shirt does nothing for you girl... You need to get a better bra fitted, go to Gertie in Arnotts, tell her I sent you." Yes madam, no madam, will do madam.

The 'Drunk' is the worse player to deal to. He hold up the entire hand trying to be funny in the most annoying way possible! He makes out that the only thick person on the table is the dealer and makes it his mission to start an argument with them: "Huh... call who? (hic!) is it my gwo... oooohhh? Ha! Ha! (hic!) How mush? 'Are ya havin' a laff... how MUSH? Tha' too mush! Blinds up? Since wen? Ya never told me tha'!!! No ya didn't... ya fcukin' liar ya are!" It's worse when the drunk is either side of you, apart from the smell (beruuugggh!) its very hard to deal with him constantly leaning towards you then he has the cheek to tell you off for touching him up all the while holding on to the table to keep steady the cards as he rants and spits in your face. All regards for tact goes out the window as he tells me off for wearing low cut tops, blames me for all his bad beats, his aggressive 'hoi... where've me cards gone? I never folded!' pokes leave small bruises in my arm for days. Pushes all in and insists he had double the stack you just counted out "Ehhh?! Two-fcuking-thou? Impossible there's 4,000 'ere... count again retard!" Even berates me for breathing 'Will ya stop fcukin movin' there...' or for placing his blinds out "WTF are ye doin' stop robbin me chips!" It tough enough dealing without babysitting the drunk spilling his drink on the felt or worse... getting sick everywhere.

I love having a 'Joker' on the table! They really liven up the game, taking the pi$$ out of the Gruffado when he lays into you, mocks the iPod Shuffler and is the only one brave enough to turn down the volume, handles the Drunk better than anyone else, charms the Duchess and jeers the predator! He will even take the glasses off the Silent Bot and, amazingly, get the bot to perform a human emotion i.e. laugh. They love being railed and will include everyone around them in the banter. They are the ones who truly don't care about how 'bad' their play is... criticism runs off their backs. Calling raises with 7 2 off only to get a 227 flop and carry it with aplomb while engaging in quality speech-play and making up witty limericks about the various players. Jokers always manages to stake a few big bluffs without upsetting a soul on the table! They play the game as it should be played - with fun - none of the serious stuff here thank you. They put the others on tilt and usually end up winning in the end! They are the best tippers too.

I should add the 'old married couple' (and no, before anyone asks: I'm not talking about Smurph & Martin here) but it's not strictly speaking a player stereotype but more when two players on the same table start up. They have obvious deep poker history between them, with an ongoing banter starting with one liners, put downs, innuendos and ends up with them cursing each others' mothers. Dogging the other: Raising and re-raising in a deliberate effort to ensure the other doesn't get the pot no matter what hands they hold. They generally include the bewildered dealer as the third party/'counsellor role' in these retorts... right to the point of asking our opinion on the other's play/action. Just when we are convinced there's going to be murder... one will slap t'other's back and say "GG Joe... fancy a pint?"

Yeah... the dealers lot is not an easy one! Next time your playing, think of this post, be nice and tip your dealer a €1 for me...

PLACE YOUR BLINDS PLEASE!

5 comments:

susiewoosie said...

each of these players play in Clonsilla and the bell!

QueenJ said...

Shhhhhhh! They read here too y'know!!! LOL!

Rounders123 said...

ah you love the male attention really dont ya!. But seriously a good summation of reactions to female dealers there, unbeknowns to them you certainly seem to have their number!.
I'd say its nerve racking at the start is it?, i know i wouldnt have the bottle!.
5'3" jasus i would never have known probably because your always sitting down in the photos.
I think im 5'11" and i still believe i can achieve that 1" for the six foot but at 34 id probably need to start swinging from the goalposts for extended periods.

I assumed until recently you were deaf or partially deaf but it seems reading this you are a tutor of the deaf?. how did you get into this i'd be interested to know?.

QueenJ said...

Oh I'm deaf, VERY deaf m'dear! But an excellent lipreader and I talk well... too well, I never shut up! Just ask anyone!!!

You are painting an impressive picture of yourself swinging from the goal-posts! LOL!

dokearney said...

Great post! I recognised all of these types.

I tried the silent bot thing for a while but couldn't stick to it.